Prepare For War

Mrs. Sena Dadzie was chosen as the guest speaker for the ladies at the singles retreat to be held for this quarter in her church; Gloryland Chapel. Mrs. Sena had a lovely family of five with three children who were all boys. Though she was a member of the counselling team of the church, she had never handled any of the sessions of the singles retreat till this year. This was her first time so she decided to grace the occasion very well.

She got up at the dawn of the day and began to pray for the Lord to have His way at the program as she knew she couldn’t speak on her own accord and she needed grace since this was also her first time. When the clock turned five in the morning, she woke every member of the family for them to go to their family altar to have their morning devotion as they usually do. She woke her husband first then moved to the bedrooms of each of her children. After devotion; she quickly prepared breakfast for the family and prepared lunch in addition as she would be away for the singles retreat seminar. She had done the laundry yesterday after work so she cared less about that once she returned; she only had the bathroom and lavatory to scrub once she returned. Thankfully, her children were a little bit grown now so she didn’t bother to leave them behind and go and minister at the program. After sweeping around the house and doing other minor chores, she quickly took her bath and dressed up. She wore one of her best Ankara gowns, with a purple coloured matching bag, shoe and scarf. Her husband, Mr. Samuel Dadzie drove her to the premises of the church to prevent her from arriving late and drove back home. He had to go the farm today to bring farm produce that will serve the family for the preceding week.

The program was power packed and was going on smoothly. Soon, it was time for the talk to begin; the gentlemen were to be in a different location and the ladies as well since they had different guest speakers for both genders. The guys went to use the basement of the storey to have their talk whereas the ladies remained in the main auditorium of the church.

Mrs. Sena Dadzie was beautifully introduced by the emcee and she quickly said a brief prayer on her seat before getting up. She got up to mount the podium and walked majestically to where the pulpit was while an usher helped her carry her Bible and notepad along. She commenced her talk by leading the ladies in a time of prayer. After the prayer; she introduced her topic as “Learning to manage stress as a single lady before you get married”. This got people raising an eyebrow as they wondered how stress management could be a topic for a relationship talk at a grand singles retreat like this. Many thought because she was a medical doctor and had a busy schedule since she worked in more than one hospital, she chose to give a health talk rather. “but at least she could have given any talk on female reproductive health rather than this; which applies to everybody”, many also thought.

She began by singing this hymn as the congregation sang along with her.

“Life is like a mountain railway
With an engineer that’s brave
We must make this run successful
From the cradle to the grave

Heed the curves and watch the tunnels
Never falter, never fail
Keep your hands upon the throttle
And your eye upon the rail

Blessed Saviour there to guide us
Till we reach that blissful shore
And the angels there to join us
In God’s grace forevermore

As you roll across the trestle
Spanning Jordan’s swelling tide
You will reach the Union Depot
Into which your train will ride”

After the song, she made a grim face and began to speak while the ladies listened attentively as she shared her past experience that helped shape her family and bring it together. She began;

‘ I drove to a quiet place one evening, a serene environment. Fortunately, they were some garden chairs under the trees and I sat quietly and was doing reflections. I had just completed medical school by then and was doing my housemanship, my salaries and allowances had not been paid on time by the government so I had to do locum in a private hospital in order to help fend for my family. The monthly pay of my husband was not enough to sustain our family, even the sum of the school fees of my three boys were more than his gross salary; he was employed in a pharmaceutical company. At home; dishes were unwashed, children return from school and meals are not served, my husband leaves home on an empty stomach, the specialist who attends to my family tells me my blood pressure is always shooting up and I need to rest, at my workplace, my bosses are mad at me, at church, my love for God has grown cold and could not read my Bible like I used to. As a church worker, I had evening meetings to attend. Previously, I used to prepare a day before, what will be learnt at church during Bible studies on Sunday since I was a member of the Bible studies committee but I couldn’t do it any longer because of how poorly I managed my activities for the day. Being a doctor who was now doing her housemanship, my bosses expected me to be doing every donkey work. This made to always close late. Hardly do I even have time to pick the boys from school. It’s either my husband goes for them or they come home by themselves. It got to a time I had to pay a taxi driver to go for them every day after school.

I wish I had given birth to at least a girl to help me carry out the lots of chores I had to do as a woman but all my wards were boys. In my husband’s culture, males are not supposed to work in the kitchen; leaving every work in the house for me to do. This made me end each day bone-weary. My husband himself does not help me let alone allow the boys to help. Certain duties, according to him, are seen as to be for only women or girls.

My husband was against me bringing in a house help because his mother was a house help to a family and his mother snatched the husband of the house from his wife and had a child with him, who is my husband. This made him face a lot difficulties and hatred from the wife of the house while growing up. Life was a living hell for him and he didn’t want that mistake to repeat itself in his home.

Being a health worker, I knew the importance of rest but I hardly had enough time to rest. Coffee became my daily pill. Lack of rest affected a lot of areas in my life.

I want you singles to arm yourselves well before you get married. There is an acronym for planning known as the five Ps. How many of us have heard of it before and who can tell us? Sandra, the youth organizer was picked among the few who raised their hands up. A microphone was sent to her by an usher for her to give the answer to the hearing of everyone. “Proper planning prevents poor performance” she said. “That’s right, let’s give it up for her” said Mrs. Sena and the congregation gave her an applaud.

She then continued; so to prevent being stressed up all the time when you get married like what I passed through, you must start your proper planning right from your infancy as a girl. Start catering for your marriage in future now to be able to manage any stress you pass through when you get married. Learn how to prepare quick meals; quick interesting meals. Because I was always busy and my husband was never ready to help in the kitchen even when he closed from work earlier than me, I mostly bought fast foods after work to feed my children. It affected our diet and the nutritional needs of my children. This has made my two sons become obese; they fed on junk foods most of the time. It affected our finances too since most of our meals were bought outside and they were expensive.

We no longer had time for morning devotion as a family because of how busy I always was. Ladies, don’t forget we women, are the homemakers and when we fail to make up our home, it falls apart. My five-year-old son began to walk with a group of friends who taught him very bad habits. It was just God’s grace that made know. I went to my knees to pray for him that he would turn from those ways and be the morally upright boy I want him to be. It was there the Holy Spirit told me the mistake I made by neglecting our daily morning devotion because of how busy I was and did not create a time for my family to fellowship in God’s presence. He told me how important it is to spend time to teach your children the word of God. During my years as a single lady, I didn’t do my quiet time often. I claimed I had a lot to learn in school and was always busy. I also had the intuition that when I get married I will learn how to cope and do certain things. Never did I know that habits as a single is what one carries to marriage. If I had been teaching my children the word of God each day, my son Joseph wouldn’t have followed his friends to do the wrongs things I caught him doing. So, as a single lady, make sure you intentionally create time for God each day and make it your habit because it will go a long way to help in nurturing your children in the way of the Lord when you marry.

I was a church worker despite all these. Dear single sister, being a church worker is not enough, don’t be too occupied with church activities that you don’t have time to know God for yourself. You can’t do without God; you need God to manage your home when you marry. Start indulging God in every activity right from now and make it a habit so that when you’re married, you will also indulge Him in every activity of your family. When you are serious with God, He’ll be serious about you and the home you’re going to make when you get married.

How you order your life during your single years as a lady tells how you’ll be able to manage stress when you’re married. No matter who you are, you are going to pass through some stress when you marry because you’ll now have a lot of responsibilities and people to cater for; your husband, children and even your in-laws too. When you order your life well as a single lady, you jump a lot of hurdles when you marry because you would have known how to deal with some forms of stress.

As a single lady, if you are fortunate to have younger siblings, help your mother in training them, it will be of help to you and help in managing your stress when you marry and have kids. I went to live with a family member during my single years to have my clerkship in a hospital in the community in which they lived in and saw how they disciplined my niece. I learnt a lot from how they trained her and applied it in my home when I also had kids

When you learn how to manage stress as a single lady, it is like going to face a battle and you’re well prepared. You’ll be able to face squarely whatever comes your way. As a single lady who knows that definitely you will marry, the preparations you make includes learning to manage stress. And learning how to manage stress as a form of preparation for marriage in your marital home starts right from your tender age as a girl till the time you marry.

A line from the hymn we sang when we commenced says “we must make this run successful, from the cradle to the grave”. I’m saying from the cradle to the grave because you don’t have to wait till you’re big before you begin to learn how to deal with stress when you marry. It’s from the cradle that you start to train how you to manage stress when you marry so that before you kneel before the altar in the chapel on your wedding day, you’re all set. It’s just like being prepared for war like a soldier; with your gun by your side, your filled water bottle in your bag, and all other things set and you’re ready to face life.

I remember back at home when I lived with my parents during my single period, we had a house help, she was doing everything for us. Before I return from school, meals are served on the table, the washing machine was working perfectly, an automatic good one Daddy brought from Britain. so I never did any laundry myself, the driver was ready 24/7 at the beck and call anytime I needed to go out; but this time, there’s no driver at home. I either drive myself to the market or take a public transport. There was someone who was getting the groceries for us, someone who swept and mopped the whole house even before I wake up but this time I’m left alone to do all that so I’m telling you singles to start trotting. I had to learn how to cook well and how to prepare quick meals like kedgeree that are also nutritious after I married, this made me pass through a lot of stress combining it to the work I do in the hospital. Single sisters please start learning how to cook varieties of meals. Don’t be buying food from outside all the time as a single lady, learn to cook. Although buying from outside is fast, it may not be the best. You can choose to cook in bulk during the weekends; that’s what I mostly do now.

My husband used to buy food during lunch at his place of work and there was a case of food poisoning at his favourite eatery and unfortunately he was also affected. This became an eye opener and I began to pack lunch for him before he sets off from the house when I realized my mistake, learn from this and don’t do same.

A family friend of ours had her marriage separated because the man was eating from outside most of the time. The woman claimed she had a busy schedule and soon he had a “side chick” at the eatery he usually attended. They produced a child from their relationship and this brought about a lot of misunderstanding and eventually separation. They didn’t take a house help because the husband didn’t want them to have one.

Working at home, getting up early, praying in the night, should all become a habit as a single lady. Don’t wait till you’re married before you begin all that otherwise you’ll pass through a lot of stress. Be well prepared on every side.

Because of poor management of stress by married women in their homes, a lot of people will not make heaven and it has already sent a lot to Hell. People’s marriages shipwreck because a lot of ladies fail to order their lives when they are single and it will repercuss when they marry. Start putting your life to order now. Have a to-do-list for each day and live by it. Let the to-do-list be interspaced; when a heavy duty is done, you do a minor one, especially one which you enjoy. You can also do two things at the same time like cooking and washing at the same time. You also can save time by doing online shopping sometimes rather going to the market to shop. Learn to omit unnecessary tasks.

There are things we need to open our eyes and look at so that it will not occur. Give attention to things promptly. Don’t wait for it to get bad or turn worse before attending to them.

David says in Psalm 144:4 that “Blessed be the Lord my rock, who trains my hands for war, and my fingers for battle.” Let’s look at the attitude of David, he was a forgiving man. When he saw Saul lying down asleep during the times Saul was chasing him, he could have easily struck a sword and kill him, his entourage told him how lucky he was for the Lord to hand over Saul to him and advised him to kill him but he didn’t. For us to live in the plan of God for our marriages, we must forgive our husbands and this starts with forgiving those around us who hurt us, forgive your friends and anyone hurts you as a single and it will also help you to learn to forgive your husband when you are married. When you don’t forgive anyone who hurts you now, it’s sure you’re going to repeat the same to your spouse when you marry. When someone hurts you and you forgive the person, it’s part of the training towards marriage because marriage requires forgiveness. God trains our hands for war and this war in this aspect refers to the stress we face during our marriage. When you allow Him, He will train and mold you to prepare you for your marriage as a single lady.

People think it’s wrong to chastise children less than three years; but no, that’s shouldn’t be so. They have to be reprimanded for the tantrums they display. They are all red flags. Preparation towards marriage starts right from young. Early stage training counts a lot.

At first, I was late most of the times during the church workers’ meeting and the leader of my department scolded always till I began learning to manage my time well. Single ladies gathered here, don’t let the habit of lateness be part of you in anything you do. Always use your time judiciously. It will be of benefit to your own selves and help reduce the stress you pass through when you are married.

Start saving as a single lady before you get married. Most single ladies like you always want to look good so they do a lot of buying so that they will be attracted to the opposite sex. Yes, it’s good to dress and look nice all the time but you should save. It’s an attitude you should have right before you get married. Save and spend what is left rather than spend and save what is left. When you’re making a budget, savings forms part of the budget. When you start saving now, you reduce the stress you pass through when you’re married. Don’t wait till you’re married before you start, you may not know when difficulties will arise.

Some women do not even know how to iron men’s clothes, they can’t make a tie, do not know how to polish shoes, but all these petty things should be learnt but all these petty things should be learnt by a lady before getting married. A friend of my husband volunteered to be ironing for us and before we realized, she began stealing from us nicodemously. Its better you know how to do these minor chores than hire someone to do them for you, you may regret it later.

God has given women a special ability or quality males don’t have that helps us to manage a home. I pray for all you single ladies seated here that the Lord will sharpen yours at this stage of your life before you get married. The ladies responded “Amen” in one accord. God has given us the special ability to able to woo others to support us. My husband strongly believes a man must not work in his house but it’s surprising when I see him willing to give me a helping hand because of how softly I talk to him. He usually sits behind the television or his laptop or reads his graphic when he returns from work, leaving me to do every work; making sure the children do their homework, bathing the children before they sleep, just to mention a few. I used to yell at him when I see him relaxing and I have loads of work which he could help me with but when I learnt to talk to him softly, surprisingly, he’s now willing to help me even without me asking him. “Woow”, said the ladies concomitantly

A secret to reducing stress is doing every work given you with joy. When you start doing every work given you with joy now, you apply this in your home and you do not feel too tired even when every work in the home is left on you. I applied this and it helped me very much. When you do it with bitterness, you get stressed out easily.

I do not partake in the weekly fasting held for church workers. Do you know why? “No”, said the congregants in unison. Mrs Sena responded; because I was diagnosed of hypertension and I had to be taking my medication daily, I can no longer partake in fasting held for church workers. You know fasting and prayer draws us closer to God but that privilege is no more there. This was due to the stress I put myself through when I was newly married. I didn’t know how to manage my time well, I didn’t know how to cook very well, I didn’t know how to do laundry by myself, I didn’t know how to do a lot of things. I told myself I’ll get to know all these when I’m married but I passed through a lot of stress as a result of that. I also told myself I’ll get a husband who will understand and allow me take a house help but unfortunately all I had planned didn’t happen my way. The chores I had to do all by myself coupled with the load of tasks on me at my place of work broke me down. Ladies please learn from this and arm yourselves well before you get married. Whatever you don’t know how to do and you know if have to learn since it is pivotal in every home, start learning how to do it now. During the time of my courtship, I saw my husband as an understandable person and perceived he’ll allow me to bring along a house help so that I’ll be free just like in my parents’ house but it was not so. It got to a time my home started to crumble, my husband was angry at me because I was not able to live to his expectation. It took God’s grace for my family to stand again. Prepare yourself well and stop any assumptions you have now. Be fully prepared in all ramifications like a soldier going for war.

Intentionally spend time to rest too, it’s not all about managing the time to spend to work, you need to allocate time for rest too. Management of stress includes rest. Time for rest must be on your to-do-list each day so you don’t break down. Use your singlehood judiciously and you’ll surely jump a lot of hurdles that would cause stress when you are married.’

She was soon given a notice of five minutes to end her talk. She wrapped up by asking if any of the ladies had any questions. A hand was raised and the microphone was sent to the lady. She asked, “Ma, what about solving of misunderstandings which sometimes occur in families, can how to resolve fights that occur in homes be learnt during your singlehood and does that reduce stress one will face in marriage?”. That’s a good question, said Mrs. Dadzie. As homemakers, we are also peacemakers. Hope we’ve heard of sibling rivalry before. If you’re lucky to have younger siblings, when you bring them to order when they fight, you learn how to manage misunderstandings. Even with your friends, not siblings alone, be the peacemaker, be the agent of peace among them. Don’t argue with the authorities you are under now so that when you won’t argue with your husband when married. All these prepare your ability to able to manage misunderstandings in your home. Learning to manage misunderstandings also prevents the stress you face when married because when you fight in your home, it makes you to be stressed up. I hope you get my answer, said Mrs. Dadzie. The lady who answered the question bobbed her head to respond.
In the absence of further questions, Mrs. Dadzie led them in a time of prayer. As she was descending the platform, the ladies gave a round of applause for her. They had learnt even the very little things they do as singles counts a lot when they marry and they needed to be well set like a soldier prepared for war.

This story was first posted in Singles Digest Magazine, October 2020 edition. Click here to download and read the magazine.

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